starting to relax a little more, less antics of placation and more realness. people seem to appreciate me a lot more the less i try to put on a happy face. that feels good. telling people "no" without all the special effects feels good, too. my body and i are becoming better friends, things i always wanted to do i'm able to get glimpses of and that's encouraging. like moonwalking! i can almost do that and its making everything else feel easier. walking feels less janky and irritating :DDD I still have an infinite to do list. i want to write more. i want to sculpt more. i have been painting and drawing more and it makes me want to do even more. i feel more honest lately, or something. i'm definitely always learning but i must have had a breakthrough recently. i think it has to do with pinterest. https://www.pinterest.com/benOni7/pins/ i love art and looking at cool things is one of the reassuring things i have in my life, and in the last year i discovered practically infinite awesome art on pinterest. its like something clicked inside me that says "alright u found this treasure trove, u can relax a little," and now my own creative process has lightened/opened up a fucking lot! i also learned about Warhol, Basquiat and Haring, which, i think, radically changed how i think art "works." Like, all the ideas of how i thought art was "supposed" to work just evaporated. it's liberating. i recently finished a whole painting in like 4 days, and that's never happened b4 (https://www.pinterest.com/pin/413697915756092681/). and i love what i made, which has happened but not very often. validation, encouragement, a push. at the same time tho, i feel pissed and sad bcause all 3 of those artists died because of bullshit. warhol died from negligence. basquiat od'd. and haring died because of aids. wtf. they would all still be alive today if not for this fucking bullshit environment we are struggling with. i wonder if we would be friends. i think we would have been. i would have wanted to be.
